Why Remus Never Met Freud
by Kendra Vale
Summary: /ON HOLD UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE/ Lucius Malfoy has always been at odds with the Marauders, but when they strike again one Thursday morning, he's had enough. The spells he casts send the four friends into chaos, with some interesting results.
1. Chapter One: A Bit of Mischief

Chapter One: A Bit of Mischief

The day began the way it always did – with James and Sirius bored out of their minds. Sitting in the back of their Potions class, they were both dozing off as Slughorn ranted about the importance of some potion they'd never heard from and Peter took diligent notes for Remus, who was still in the Hospital Wing. The full moon had been last night, and an unfortunate fall had left him bruised and battered.

"So, James, what should we do today?" Sirius asked briskly, suddenly sitting up, as if his sixth sense had gone off. He had an uncanny ability to spot segways into mischief, and indeed, as James looked, he saw that from here they had a clear shot at the back of Severus Snape's greasy head.

"I think we should throw something, mate," James said thoughtfully, rummaging in his bag. "What we really need is a slingshot."

"What's a slingshot?" Sirius asked curiously, looking at him.

"It's a Muggle contraption, of course! It's sort of like a fork and a rubber band, and it works like a catapult. Basically, it's built to chuck stuff." Still rummaging, James began the hunt for something with which to build the slingshot.

"Excellent," Sirius said slowly, and plucked a metal fork from his jacket. "I've got one left over from dinner."

"No, not that kind of fork! Like tweezers!"

"Oh." Sirius turned to look at Peter. "You got a pair of tweezers, Wormtail? Cos I sure don't." He shrugged when the boy looked up, and let out a sigh when he shook his head. "I thought not."

"Well," Peter wheezed quietly, "I do have electric nose-hair clippers, but they don't work here. Not without electricity."

"Electric nose-hair clippers? What are those?"

"Another Muggle contraption, Sirius. They use them to get the hair out of their noses without using tweezers." James rolled his eyes, still searching, and then his hand closed around something that could be highly useful. Triumphantly, he pulled a pair of fire tongs from his schoolbag and held it up. "Aha! We have liftoff!"

Sirius's cry of, "Ew! Gross!" was cut off as he saw the new acquisition. Eyes shining with anticipation, he took them from James. "Good work, Prongs." He pulled up one sleeve, then the other, and frowned. "Damn. I don't have a rubber band. Do you?"

James shook his head. "Peter?"

"No… I don't have anything. Lucius Malfoy fed my pajamas to the squid again, and that's where I keep them." Peter sighed. "He keeps doing that. It's quite annoying, really, especially when you have to sleep in your clothes instead."

Sirius nodded, about to move on to something else when the full impact of this statement hit him. "_Wait. _How did Lucius Malfoy get ahold of your pajamas in the first place?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "I was sleepwalking, and he knocked me out and ran off with them." A blush spread over his pale face. "It was McGonagall who found me in the morning, locked in a broom cupboard. I've never seen anyone turn a brighter shade of red, honestly."

James snorted with laughter. "Oh, so that's what you were doing that night you disappeared! I just assumed you were off snogging a girl."

"As if he could get a girl in the first place?" Sirius lifted an eyebrow. "Face it, mate, you're not a chick magnet like yours truly." Chest puffing out in pride, he turned and threw a wink at one of the girls staring in his direction, who blushed furiously and knocked over her ink bottle.

"Oh, and so humble, too." James let out a sigh and returned his attention to the fire tongs. "Alright, we don't have a rubber band either. We'll have to improvise." He leaned forward towards the redhead in front of him and hissed, "Psst! Evans! D'you have a spare hair elastic we can use?"

Lily turned around to look at him, giving him a cold glare. "Not if you're going to use it to torment Severus again. Honestly, I don't know why you jerks pick on him, except for the fact that you're empty-headed egomaniacs." She turned back to her work, after offering James a death-glare.

"Ouch. Bad luck, Prongs. That hurt." Sirius leaned forward, too, and tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned again, he placed a hand over his heart with a dramatic flourish, exclaiming. "You have wounded me deeply, gentle maiden! Mine intentions were entirely honourable, and Snivellus-free to boot!"

Lily shook her head. "Alright then, who are you picking on, then?"

"Malfoy, if you must know," Sirius told her in an undertone. "We think he needs a haircut, the git, and besides, he fed Peter's pajamas to the giant squid again."

Lily snorted with laughter despite herself, and removed an elastic from her wrist, holding it out. "Fine, take it. But if I find out you two are using it to go Snape-baiting, I'll smack both of you upside the head." With that, she went back to note-taking, humming as if she hadn't just aided the Marauders' newest hapless plot.

"We have our materials, mate," James announced. "Alright, Padfoot, you crumple up a sheet of parchment, and when I say to, we'll light it. Then all we have to do is aim it at Malfoy's bloated head, and we'll have filled our chaos quota for the day."

Opening the tongs, he placed the elastic around it and checked to make sure that it stayed in place. Sirius handed him the paper and he placed it carefully into the slingshot, murmuring "_Incendio,"_ when James motioned for it. Raising it, he took aim, and sent the flaming ball of parchment sailing through the air.

"Damn… Padfoot, we're dead."

"What makes you say that?"

"Slughorn just walked into our line of fire…. Merlin's Beard, we've set the teacher on fire! Quick, do something!"

The pair of them peered carefully over the edge of the desk to see Slughorn running about, trying to extract his wand from a back pocket while yelping at the flames that licked at his already sparse hair, rapidly wearing it down. James and Sirius looked at each other, swallowing.

"Escape plan 23B, mate," James muttered.

"Right." He paused. "Which one's that?"

"The one where you fake sick and get us the hell out of here!"

"Oh. Right." Sirius paused for a moment. "Now that you say it, I do feel a tad lightheaded." Abruptly, he broke into a fit of coughing and turned an interesting shade of purple, falling out of his seat. James leapt to his feet, escorting him towards the door of the dungeon at inhuman speed.

"Sorry, Professor!" James gasped, propelling Sirius out the door. "Got to get him to Madam Pomfrey!" They sprinted the hallway once out of Slughorn's sight, and didn't stop until they were on the next floor up, outside of the great hall.

"Great work, my friend." James clapped him on the back. "I didn't think you could even turn that color, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned and swept into a theatrical bow. "Just one of my many talents!" He looked around at the empty Entrance Hall, quirked a brow, and looked at James. "Well, now that we've got the rest of the class, what say we drop in on Remus?"

James smirked. "Excellent."

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"You did WHAT?" Remus yelled, looking at his two friends in disbelief. The pair of them had pulled up chairs beside his bed, and were both looking at him with identical impish grins on their faces.

"Set a professor on fire just for you." Sirius's grin widened. "Because we just love you that much, Moony."

He shook his head, halfway between amused and annoyed. "Honestly. I leave you alone for one day, and you risk getting yourselves expelled." He sighed, leaned back against the pillows, and folded his bandaged hands. "Without me, I think you two would self-destruct from boredom."

"Aw, c'mon, Remus! No one knows it was us, except for maybe Evans, and she won't tell because then she'd have to admit she's an accomplice." When Remus gave him a bemused look, Sirius added, "We used her elastic to make the slingshot. That and fire tongs, courtesy of Prongs."

"Fire tongs? Where did you get fire tongs?"

"The house-elves," James answered easily, putting his feet up in Sirius's lap and earning himself a glare. "I swear, they'd give you the shirt off their backs, if they could wear clothes. And maybe hand over the furniture."

"Why does this not surprise me?" He settled back again, looking from one to the other and rolling his eyes heavenward. Of course, he knew well what troublemakers his best mates were, but sometimes they were unbelievably stupid. Boredom was a powerful tool, especially when dropped into their laps.

"So, how are you, Moony? Any better?"

He nodded. "Yeah, actually. Madame Pomfrey says I should be out of here by lunchtime, which'll be good. I can use the free period to unwind."

Sirius let out a mock-gasp. "What? Moony, not reading? Be still my heart!" He slumped sideways, nearly landing on James in his mock-swoon. Righting himself, he offered Remus a wicked grin and tucked a strand of dark hair behind his ear.

"Well, what do you think I've been doing all day? It's bloody boring in here if you don't have a book to read." Remus shook his head. "What time is it now?"

"Lunchtime!" James announced in a singsong voice, and exchanged a meaningful look with Sirius. The two of them jumped to their feet, each seizing one of his arms, and together they tugged him out of the bed.

"C'mon, Reme, put your trainers on. You're coming with us whether you like it or not." James reached down and handed them to him, and then began to tug.

"Where do you boys think you're going? Come back with my patient!"

Madame Pomfrey's shriek fell on deaf ears, as together they three boys tore out of the Hospital Wing and down the staircase, heading pell-mell towards the Great Hall, trying to disappear into the crowd before the vengeful nurse found them.

They found Peter being bullied by Lucius Malfoy as usual, and swept up on either side of him to drag him off before he could get into any more trouble. Seated at the Gryffindor table, they watched Remus eat like a man who'd been starved for three weeks, and then turned their attention to something else.

"Oy! Lucius!" James called, and when the boy turned, he received a faceful of Sirius's peas. He'd become an expert at lobbing things with spoons, and by the dead-on hit he achieved, he'd royally pissed off the Slytherin.

"Y'know, mate," Sirius murmured to Remus, "I don't think he likes us very much."

"I wonder why?" Remus grinned. "I wonder why."


	2. Chapter Two: Morning

Chapter Two – Morning

"Sirius! Wake up, you prat!" The words screeched in his ears, loudly, and he sat up quickly, eyes half-open, feeling as though his head was entirely too heavy. It was Friday morning, and he was suffering from end-of-the-week burnout, having not slept very well the night before. Neither had any of them, for that matter, having been out bewitching a skeleton to dance through McGonagall's office in the middle of the night.

The one yelling at him was one Lily Evans, who had noticed, much to his dismay, that he had fallen asleep again, thus waking him from his only naptime of the day. Unfortun-ately, he had managed to fall asleep into his porridge, and as he raised his dripping head he realized that the entire hall appeared to have noticed and were laughing their heads off. Especially Lily, who already believed that he and James were both bloody idiots. This probably wasn't helping with that notion.

"Padfoot, mate, you might want this." A sleepy-looking Remus handed him a hand-kerchief, and he raised it to wipe the remnants from his features, brushing it out of a few strands of his hair while he was at it.

It had been a late morning for all four of them, and while all of the Marauders bore dark circles under their eyes and a tendency to yawn, Sirius seemed to be taking the lack of sleep the hardest. The Slytherins were having quite a bit of fun at their expense, and so, apparently, was Lily.

"I hate Fridays," he mumbled, and shoved the porridge away as if it were the plague.

"I agree with you there, believe me." James yawned hugely and stretched, accidentally knocking the glasses off of a first-year's face in the process. "They should install naptime. All of the Muggle schools have it."

Remus turned to look at him, curiosity on his face. "How do you know so much about Muggles, anyway? I thought you were pureblood."

James shrugged. "My parents sent me to a Muggle school when I was a kid. Said it'd be good to learn the culture, or something."

"Well, on the bright side, if you ever get Evans to go out with you, you'll know a few things." Sirius grinned at him.

"Hello! Do neither of you have ears? I'm sitting across the table from you!" Lily snapped, looking at them as if their stupidity were contagious. It was well-known that the one thing she couldn't stand were stupid people.

Sirius looked at her bemusedly. "I'm sorry, did I say something about you that you didn't already know? Live with it or invest in ear plugs, but don't whine."

"Hey! Back off." James smacked him in the arm. Lily looked from one to the other and rolled her eyes, shooting a look at Remus as if to say 'How do you put up with this?' It was also well-known that the two of them were close, a fact that James had tried and failed to exploit numerous times in the past.

"Oy, Prongs. Enemy sighting, dead ahead." Sirius shaded his eyes as if from the sun, even though the ceiling above displayed clouds. Lucius Malfoy had entered the Great Hall, walking as arrogantly as ever, haughty look on his face. When his gaze fell on the four of them, his expression twisted into one of absolute loathing, much like the one that Snape always gave them. He swept by, ignoring them completely, and sat at the Slytherin table like some kind of prince.

"You don't think he's still pissed at us from yesterday, do you?" James craned his neck, trying to see what he was doing.

"James, you do that to him every day." Remus let out a sigh, laying a hand on his arm, forcing him to face their table once again. "If that doesn't make him angry, then the incident with the pink robes should be enough."

"Oh, yeah…" James smiled, basking in the glory of the memory.

"Point being, maybe we should scram?" Peter looked around nervously, as if something was going to land on his head and attack him at any moment.

"Wormtail, relax. He's not going to do anything in full view of the whole school." Remus tried to smile reassuringly, but it was somewhat ruined by a sudden yawn. "Besides, I'm a prefect, and so is Lily."

"I wouldn't count on that, mate. He's coming this way." Sirius watched as Lucius rose from his seat, hand in his pocket as if to draw a wand, setting a book down on the table before he turned and began to head in their direction.

"What do we do?" James looked around, panicked, while Peter made a slightly frightened noise. "For all we know, he'll use some hex we've never heard of!"

"Oh, don't be such a coward, Potter." Lily looked at him coldly before drawing herself up to her full height, ready to act the uptight prefect if anything happened. Needless to say, James and Sirius were not reassured. They exchanged a look, deciding in silence what course of action to take.

A moment later, Sirius keeled over sideways, coughing and turning an interesting shade of purple. James leapt to his feet, dragging Peter and Remus with him, and together the three of them hightailed it out of the hall, never once looking back. Only when they were all out on the staircase did they stop and collapse, catching their breath.

"What on earth was that?" Remus gasped, looking at them, halfway amused and halfway bewildered, not sure if he wanted to know.

"Escape plan 23B, of course."

"Which one's that?"

"The one where Sirius fakes sick and we run away."

"Oh, right." Remus nodded in understanding, then frowned. "So why did we run away? I thought we all knew how to deal with prats like that."

James shuddered. "Clearly, you did not see what he did to that second-year who ran into him last week. She's still in the Hospital Wing, and they're thinking of transferring her to St. Mungo's because she's still hallucinating. I did not want that to start happening to us, believe me. Since I was the one who hit him yesterday, after all."

"Okay, so we've established that Malfoy is evil, but now we have no breakfast." Peter let out a long-suffering sigh, as if the lack of sustenance might kill him in some later life. He was already skinny as a rail, though, so perhaps there was some merit to it.

"Shut your trap, Wormtail. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life babbling to yourself like a loony and seeing things."

"What a charming notion, boys, but I'm afraid I may have to correct you." The smooth, icy voice cut through their thoughts, jolting all four Marauders back to the reality in which Lucius Malfoy had followed them out of the Hall, and had clearly heard at least some of the conversation.

James jumped, falling backwards and nearly landing on Remus. "Oh! Lucius." His expression snapped into wariness. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing." His grey eyes held an uncanny glint as he raised his wand, pointing it at James and then Sirius, as if deciding who to hex first. "Just this." He said nothing more, but two different streams of light erupted from his wand, landing first on James and then on Sirius, both of whom went sprawling backwards.

Just then, the hall's doors came flying open, and out came Lily, sprinting. She looked from Lucius to James and Sirius, who were both unconscious, and then at Remus, who was pointing his wand at Lucius and snarling, while Peter cowered. Her expression grew indignant, and she whipped out her wand, stalking over. "What one earth do you think you're doing, Malfoy? I could have you expelled for this!"

"Oh, no, I don't think so." Lucius turned to face her, wand ready, and smirked. "Oh, hell, why not? Let's make this really fun." Again, another silent spell, and Lily flew backwards off her feet, landing on the ground and blacking out.

"You're not getting away with this, Malfoy!" Remus lunged at him, about to hurl a hex, but Lucius blocked it neatly and stepped aside, sticking a foot out. Remus went sprawling, and as he tried to get to his feet, he found Lucius already standing on his wrist, keeping him from using his wand.

"You know what? You're not even worth it." Satisfied smirk on his face, Malfoy aimed a kick at his ribs and then disappeared down the stairs towards the dungeons, leaving Remus to climb awkwardly to his feet, injured, while Peter still sat cowering from the battle, utterly useless.

"Help!" Remus yelped hoarsely, and then, regaining his voice, added, "Somebody, help! Professor! Dumbledore!" Scrambling to his feet, he took off for the door of the hall, while Peter sat rocking back and forth, hugging his knees and wondering what on earth he had gotten himself into this time.

If only he'd known the nightmare had yet to begin.


End file.
